When is it appropriate?

I don’t really know when it’s appropriate for guys to be talking in the bathroom. I’m going to go with never. There really isn’t anything private enough that we really need a bathroom to do it in, and if it isn’t private, let’s talk about it outside. The bathroom isn’t an escape for guys. Maybe it’s because there aren’t couches in our bathroom. When I was growing up, I remember seeing in the department store bathroom, for a brief second before the door shut, a couch. A freaking couch! In the bathroom!?!? This is not where I would expect couches to be. Ask any girl though, and at some point she’s probably been in a bathroom that was set up encouraging ladies to stay and chat.

Like I said, guys don’t go in there to talk. Really there isn’t anything that we could say in the confines of that oddly sterile yet usually disgusting place that needs to be discussed RIGHT THERE. It’s never a discussion. Usually, if guys are talking in a bathroom it’s statements of fact; factorum non debatum. Acceptable bathroom lines of discussion (note all should be answered in the affirmative):

  • This band/party/happy hour/strip club is amazing.
  • I’m really drunk/high/wasted right now.
  • That chick was super hot/slutty/fat/cougerish.
  • Avitar was freakin amazing/sweet/seizure enducing.
  • I believe the original Back to the Future was superior to the other two.

These rules are put to the test in the workplace. You spend your whole day in a cubicle staring at a computer screen and suddenly, you’re in the bathroom, standing next to someone you want to talk to. Given your limited social time in the workplace and the pressing issues delegated to you that day, you might actually have something IMPORTANT to say to him. Now what? This could be the only chance to get your question in. And he’s peeing; where is he going to go? This is your chance, right? Granted he could whip around mid-stream and start yelling to you about bathroom behavior, but then he’d be peeing on the floor and who wouldn’t hold that over their coworker.

Worse than that, is when a superior at work wants to talk to YOU in the bathroom. You have to talk back, you can’t ignore your boss. Don’t worry, it will usually just be a question or two (he’s still a guy and is going to the bathroom). Remember, the affirmative rule from above. You just grip on what God endowed you with and answer back with confidence. How was your weekend? Fucking awesome, and you’re done. Remember, it will probably only be a question or two. Plan for this. Remember, you’re never required to ask a followup question. This will put him on the defensive and that isn’t what you want to do. He who controls the salary gets to ask the questions while he pees. Old bathroom proverb. Written right next to “Brett is gay”.

If you have to ask questions, do it at the sink. The sink is where all the talking should be happening anyways. I mean, first of all, you’re only there cause someone else is in the bathroom in the first place, so it’s not like you’re really using it. Second of all, there is usually a mirror, so both parties can look at how much better looking they are than the other guy instead of actually listening to what he is saying.

This blog post was inspired by me breaking every one of these rules in from of the VP in my department yesterday. The things I do for you people…

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