So even though I don’t talk about it in my act, I do have a day job. Its a programming job. The job doesn’t suck, which is great for many reasons and bad for two. Its bad because I probably won’t quit it to pursue comedy any time soon, and it usually doesn’t give me anything to write material about. Programming isn’t that funny. It’s not retail, its not fast food, I don’t work with people. People are funny. Computers, not so much.
Regardless, I sometimes have a hard time leaving comedian Brian at home, or at the very least, out of the office. This is exacerbated by two other things here. One, my bromance friend Matt sits about 15 feet from me, and two, he thinks I’m hilarious. Because of this situation, if you worked at my office, you would have gotten to hear this today.
Brian: Matt, do you want some of my peanut butter cookie?
Matt: No, I don’t like peanut butter. Actually I like peanut butter, but just not peanut butter cookies…
Brian: That is stupid…
Matt: If I had some peanut butter right now I would even lick it off… (makes circular motion across pectoral area as if he had breasts, then quickly points away to) … that whiteboard.
Brian: Nice save… You should really like peanut butter cookies, it tastes just like peanut butter but better.
(pause) Enter comedian Brian
Brian: I mean, it’s YOUR dog.
Brian: It’s not cheating if its YOUR dog. Right?
Brian: Man I love “Road Trip”
Matt: That was from “Road Trip”?
Brian: Ya, they were talking about cheating with reference to area codes and then the one guy mentions peanut butter and says “its not if its YOUR dog”.
At this point, the 3rd iteration of “YOUR dog”, the office behind me says, “Matt, please be quiet!” and rolls her door close (we have those retarded rolling doors here). She probably would have said “Brian, be quiet
I mean, this place SAYS they promote a fun work environment. So you can see how I would be surprised that as soon as I quote a movie line which details a dog licking a peanut butter off of his master’s penis, three times at an elevated volume, that I would get yelled at. Fun environment, sure. All the fun that silent Nazi-regimented programming can evoke. Tell the Jew to shut up and get back to work, I should complain to HR.
Brian: Ya, so I was talking about peanut butter penises and then this lady tells me to get back to work. She should probably be reprimanded, or at the very least, that retarded ass door removed.
HR woman: Brian are you coming on to me? You should. I think you’re really attractive and muscular and I love peanut butter.
Brian: You’re place? 7pm. I’ll bring the wine. You bring those comment cards and that sassy mouth of yours.