Polar Bears Eating Stupid People

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So here is yet another news story about stupid people getting way too close to wild animals in the zoo. Background: It’s at the Berlin zoo, large white woman, its feeding time for the polar bears, no joke.

So ya, she climbed over the fence and fell into the polar bear pool during feeding time. So now you have a bunch of polar bears going, “Hey look! An albino sea lion. Those are delicious, like white chocolate.” Watch that life ring snap in two when they are trying to pull her up, priceless. She was taken to the hospital and cited with trespassing.

It’s times like these when I really wish Jurassic Park was a real thing. Because you do something stupid like this, and you don’t survive to pass on your stupid genes to the next generation. You’re dead. There is no surviving a mauling from a dinosaur. I tell you one thing, the news stories…. way better.

This is Brian Boshes reporting live from Jurassic Park. Tragedy strikes again today as yet another person, killed here this afternoon. People on the scene witness the woman trying to get into the Triceratops paddock when she was ruthlessly ripped to shreds by a pack of roaming Velocaraptors. The owners of Jurassic Park sent out yet another press release urging people “not to try to enter the dinosaurs’ habitat. The 10,000 volt fences are there, for a reason”. This brings the death toll at Jurassic park up to 1452 for 2009. In light of these recent events though, the park still reports that it is sold out for the 2009 season as people still think dinosaurs are really, really cool. This is Brian Boshes, reporting live, Jurassic Park.

2 thoughts on “Polar Bears Eating Stupid People”

  1. We all know that she’s gonna breed and her kids are gonna hurl themselves into wild animal enclosures…eventually survival of the fittest will catch up with them. If only her rescuers had dangled that stupid woman over the pool a little longer. :-I

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