I really am a good sexual harrasser

Last night I got to host a non-profit comedy show. Nice people. The organization’s mission was to end sexual harassment of LGBT students K – 12. I’m all for that. Two thumbs up. Let them get married too. Support the troops. Ok, now, the second part of this story requires you to know that I’m also working my showcase set every chance I get. My showcase set is the 8 minutes I’m going to use to audition for the Vancouver Comedy Festival in a couple weeks. I’m trying to lock down the jokes and the order that they go in, so I try not to change things much. I open the show, introduce myself, and launch into my first bit.

The problem, which I realized after the first punch line, was that my opening joke was on how great of a sexual harasser I am in the workplace. I’m doing a bit on how good I am at sexual harassing people in a room full of people trying to end sexual harassment. Oh this is going to be good. I finished the first tag, “cause I’m really good at it…” and looked out into the audience. It was a mixture of horror and people thinking “that is funny, but I can’t laugh at that right now.” Oh, it was awesome. My best laugh of the night was me apologizing for being such a retard to open with that joke. I assured the audience that my harassment was always straight man against straight woman. I think someone booed after that one.

The funny thing was, the leaders of the organization where laughing the hardest. Everyone, LOOK AT THEM, they are laughing, you can too. Its like telling a black joke; if the black guy laughs, go ahead and let it out yourself! They were a good audience though. No hecklers, no one talked, no one laughed either, but what can you do. Make a set list that makes sense. Oh ya, that!

I was kind of bumming that my stellar performance last night, so I polished off a pint of ice cream and watched two episodes of Stargate SG-1. Yes, I’m watching a sci-fi show from the 90s, but I blame Hulu and all the other good shows ending for the season. Don’t cancel “Chuck” please! Also, don’t go thinking I’m a tuby for polishing off that ice cream. I’d been working on that pint for a couple of weeks. I have constraint, it takes me a while to finish one of those. That, and I think I’m becoming lactose intolerant as I get older. I blame heredity. My mom loves milkshakes. When I was little I would offer her some of mine. She would reply, “oh honey, I would love some but they don’t agree with me.” I thought that was the dumbest thing I had ever heard. If you like something, eat it, it doesn’t matter what it “does to you”. God has an interesting sense of humor.

Leave a Reply