Hemp Fest is filled with D-bags and Hippies, why do I go?

Cause I want/have to work the comedy stage there, that’s why. Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland got the job of providing daylight comedy entertainment in a tent at Hemp Fest. Hemp Fest, if you don’t know, is a weekend long celebration to the (hopefully?) eventual legalization of marijuana. It has very little to do with the industrial uses of hemp. Me, being a really big nerd, that was the reason I first went. I thought, “maybe I’ll be able to buy a really cool hemp backpack or something. At the very least, a nice poster.” So there I was, circa 2006 on the hottest fucking day of the summer, strolling down to the park to buy myself a backpack. Little did I know, the creators originally wanted to call it “Marijuana Party!” but Seattle talked them down to “Hemp Fest” with the provision that if don’t actually blow the smoke in a cops face, they’ll let you smoke pot in public just this once…

I didn’t really know that Hemp Fest was this sort of mecca for some people. They come from all over. All different kinds of people. Actually they are all the same type of people. All selling the same thing. Bongs. And t-shirts with bongs on them. They had bongs made out of junk this year, that was interesting. There were Arabs selling hookas like they were electronics. That was fun to watch, especially at 6pm on Sunday when they all mysteriously went “on sale”. There were bongs that were six feet tall, which is stupid, especially for a person my size. Even stupider were the douche bags that were carrying them around obviously for the attention. It was like a stoner’s version of a Porche. I’ll take a real Porche, thank you.

The one guy I did miss this year was the unbreakable pipe guy. He’s been replaced with bamboo pipe guy, which was nice, but I really liked the other one. He would whack this thing against the table going “IT’S UNBREAKABLE” . “SEE?!?!” He was the Sham-Wow guy of Hemp Fest basically. That really is the only reason to go to Hemp Fest, the people are so goshdarned funny, even if they are all hippies and douchebags. If they aren’t funny they are also semi-naked. There are two types of semi-naked at Hemp Fest. There are the girls sporting the bra because they live in Seattle and don’t actually own a bikini. Then there are the guys. These guys I missed at Folk Life. These are the fellas that work out all summer, then go to events like this shirtless and strut around, as if someone is going to go, “OMG, I love your tat and your 6 foot bong, please have sex with me and my friend with the bra on”. So now the guy driving around in the bong-Porche is getting it detailed as if that makes it look better? I did not see one hookup the whole weekend, although I did see a guy pleasuring himself under a tree. Now THAT was awkward.

The comedy? Oh right, that. I did 5 sets. I watched a couple comics get eaten alive by a stoned crowd with the munchies and no appetite for jokes. I watched one comic clear the room on purpose, and a couple more clearing it on accident. I even did some improve on stage with a bunch of other comics with a special guest host. I capped off the weekend with a set in front of the last act. It’s really interesting to do comedy during the day time to people who didn’t invest anything in seeing your act. By interesting I mean sucked a larger than average penis. Even so, I did about 15 minutes and really had the crowd on my side by the end of it (at least in my head that’s how it went down). Was able to talk with them and had a lot of fun with it, good end to it all. Note: I want a 12 year old sitting in the front row at all of my shows and he has to be as cool as the one at this show. Thanks.

I think the best part of doing comedy at Hemp Fest was that we had a backstage with our own bathroom, drinks, and a place to sit that I didn’t fear getting stabbed in the ass from someones broken bong or pipe. We were supposed to have other people that had backstage passes back there with us, but the owners of the club where like “ummm I don’t know you, so get the fuck out of our area.” Most of them wouldn’t have stayed even if we let them; the other backstages apparently were much “cooler” than ours. And they had food. We had a bag of chips, but we were fine.

In the end, I was there for the same reason all comics go to this sort of thing, to get new material for my act (and my blog). And I got another really nice poster.

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