Ok, so for this not to be too weird, I should let you know that I was born and raised in Arizona. My mom had a love for country western, and if she was driving, that was what we were listening to. That or the Disney medley cassette tape. Not that it was a bad time to be listening to country music, Garth Brooks, Alan Jackson, Randy Travis. Men’s men, singing about tractors and farming, women and old people, booze and more booze. That being said…
Today on my ride into work I lost my shit in the car. I was listening to the radio and they were playing a new Carrie Underwood song on the country station. Yes, I have a country station programmed on my radio. Please get over yourselves. Anyways, I couldn’t quite place the melody until the chorus came on, and I realized it was a remake of Randy Travis’s “I told you so”. For some reason, it hit me really hard, like every memory of driving around with my Mom, and I got all misty and was like, fuck, this is not how I wanted to start my day. The same thing happened a year ago when I heard “Kiss me baby” by the Beach Boys on Pandora and melted at my desk at work. Anyways, YouTube has a mash up of the two versions, so you can get an idea of what they both sound like, check it out.
So you’re thinking, this a comedy blog, that wasn’t very uplifting Brian. I understand, and thankfully, the internets provided me with some more awesome as soon as I sat down at my desk (and listened to the above YouTube clip around a half dozen times). On my iGoogle homepage, I have an amazingly crappy widget called “How to of the Day”. Its a wiki of “how to do things” and the best part about them is that nine times out of ten they are things you should already know, or are pointless to try and explain. Today’s gem of an article is “How to Grind”.
If you don’t have the 2 minutes it takes to read this, let me pull some of the diamonds in the ruff out for you. If you do, go read it, cause its peppered with images of the guys that probably wrote the article. First the steps:
- Dance near a person you want to grind with – Seems easy enough. Oh look, the word “dance” is highlighted, meaning there is another very informative wiki page on just dancing. Shit, if you don’t even know what dancing is, I don’t know if this wiki is going to do anything for you, especially in a day. Lets move on, assuming you’ve identified a victim and know how to “dance”
- Dance with your your hips together – Not really true. I mean yes, hips together is important, but really it should say, try and wedge your junk within the small of her back, or have her place her bits on your thigh and rub vigorously. Cause really, isn’t this WHY you decided to freak dance her in the first place? There are two helpful bullets in this section, the first instructs guys to grope the ladies, the second point instructs ladies to not get groped. Thumbs up!
- Join a grinding chain – Yes! Why just freak dance one person when you can have someone freaking you at the same time! How does this happen, well the author simply puts that “Sometimes a two women will ‘sandwich’ a man, and others will latch on”, WTF? I mean it’s happened to be before, but I don’t know why and you’ve been no help in explaining. The article should really just be a long article on how to make this “sandwiching” phenomenon happen on command. Wiki how to of the day, this is what I request of you!
The tips section is even better. I will some it up in one word, erections. Apparently it happens when someone is rubbing on your junk but they offer some friendly tips on how not to stab your dance partner. Classic!
Ok, made it through that article, great. One more thing before you leave. Head over to the related article, “How to Grind (for Girls)”. You don’t have to read the whole thing, in fact, I’ve just pulled out step 8 cause it’s just that good:
“Be ready for the song to end. Usually, the guy will walk away. Sometimes he’ll say something and sometimes not. Don’t be offended if he just walks away in the middle of the song. Don’t let that get to you. Just quickly find that friend you were dancing with before. Make it look like nothing is wrong and you’re glad that he’s gone. Also if you feel that the guy is starting to slow down and might leave, beat him to the punch. Leave him first!”
As you can plainly see here, the article was written by a lady with very high self esteem. Seriously?!?! Does anyone else feel like this step is strangely sexist? I mean, if I’m grinding with a girl, and she is willingly letting me grind on her, where the hell am I going to go!?!? Who are these people that are freak dancing with beautiful women and half way through think “F-this, I’m out!” If I’m slowing down, its because I’m going “holy shit this is awesome!” and trying to log the memory to hard storage below the 4 Jack and Cokes I had to try and get up the courage to do this and make sure my little friend would stay paralyzed in my jeans for the length of a Kanye West song.
I’ll be bringing these to the open mic on Monday I think…