Cleaning Gauntlet 2009, Summer Edition

My apartment has reached a critical mass of dirtiness. It’s not really that dirty, but I think it’s finally breached the threshold between “unkept bachelor pad” and “you should really wear shoes if you’re going to be in the kitchen”. That’s how I know it’s time. You know how you put those strips in a solutions in chem lab and they would tell you how acidic or basic a solution is? That is what my linoleum tile in the kitchen is like. When it gets to be a certain shade of dull gray, I can just assume my entire apartment is that dirty and it should all be cleaned. They should make a sticker for that…

So the summer battle is upon us. It’s my apartment versus me. I’ve been training these last couple of months for said battle by watching as much Stargate SG-1 as I can on Hulu. My apartment, on the other hand, has been getting better and better at hiding things I know must be somewhere, but cannot find. I don’t have that big of an apartment; it must be getting really good at this. Something must be done. So after my epic comedy weekend, I throw down apartment (read: actually have time). I bite my thumb at thee! Prepare for an onslaught!

Now, the only problem with putting off the battle this long is the following: I cannot battle the beast alone. My own two hands cannot conquer the task, or at least, that would be too much work and I could really use some help. Short of magic, more SG-1, or someone else to help me, I need supplies. Now, usually I would want to use something earth friendly, cause that’s how I am. I have a size 9 carbon footprint and I aim to keep it that way. Which is great, cause today, there are dozens of brands of cleaners that don’t have artificial scents or dies, are PH balanced, or all natural ingredients. And they work great, as long as you clean more than once a quarter. Unfortunately for me, my apartment has become to strong and can no longer be fought with such gentle cleaning method. It must be beaten back into submission, like a penicillin resistant bacteria. I’m pretty sure you could throw all the lavender water or dandelion paste in the world at the grease on my stovetop and it would just smile right back at you. Smile as only 3 months of making bacon and frying potatoes undisturbed can. So I have to bring out the big guns. The cleaning solutions that were reverse engineered from weaponry used during the first World War. Solvents that say fuck you to grease, mold, and certain car paints. Products that will probably cause cancer in your grandchildren, but holy crap does it make cleaning easy!

The dust clears. The level of toxicity has been deemed inhabitable for humans. My kitchen is spotless. I will try my best to keep it this way, but I can feel it already giving into the laws of entropy. The universe is forever moving to a state of disorder. Next is my living room. Then the bathroom. Don’t even talk to me about the loft. I think that place is growing a personality from the lack of attention coupled with the fact that I’m using basically as a garage right now.

Mom if your reading this, really, its not that dirty…

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