Seattle International Comedy Competition – Night 4

Last night’s event was at the Historic Everett Theater in Everett, Washington. This place was a beautiful theater right in downtown Everett. Seated about 800 people on a packed show, I think we had around 450 people there. It had a mezzanine about a quarter filled (more on that later). Still, it was going to be very interesting performing in this kind of place. I have never done a theater show before, so this was many of the interesting learning experiences I knew that I would get in this competition.

I drove Ahmed Bharoocha and Josh Gondelman up there with me again. They’ve been good car pooling buddies. I’ve been taking the opportunity to bend their ear about Boston comedy and the scene out there. Networking with other comics is key for these sort of events. It’s really the one thing that everyone gets out of the competition now matter how you place. Unless you’re a douche-bag that no one wants to talk to. Thankfully, we haven’t had any of those in our week, so overall the group dynamic has been great. Hopefully when I’m in Boston, or Dallas, or New York, or wherever, I’ll be able to call back to these experience and friends that I’ve made so far in the competition and get some good stage time, or at least a couch to crash on. Ok, enough sappy stuff, back to the competition!

The Everett Theater has a great backstage, mostly because its a real theater. It was kind of cool to hang out behind the curtain and listen to the show, knowing that just a couple of inches beyond it was a comic and 450 people listening to him. Steve Monroe took the opportunity to explore the entire theater, including the rafters, while the performance was underway. What are you going to do with an ex-tech geek with a flashlight, I just don’t know. Regardless, the backstage was more popular than the green room tonight. Possibly because the green room was the dressing room and sounded like there were birds mating in there due to a squeaky belt driven air exchanger in the basement. The backstage was also well insulated (unlike Auburn), so we were able to converse with each other about the sets previously and currently on stage.

I was up 9th tonight, which for most would be the best time to go up, but this night there was an intermission between the 8th and the 9th comic. This meant I was essentially the “first” comic in the second half. The host, Paul Myerhaug, who has been awesome by the way, did about four minutes in front of me to get the crowd going again. I hit the stage and it was another great set! I mean, I got my closest to going over seven minutes (with 6:34) because the crowd was laughing at my jokes for so long. I felt super comfortable coming off of night 3 with my newly arranged set and it shows. Also, comparing my nervousness level from night one to last night, wow what a difference. The confidence level and timing with which I’ve delivered this set has increased so much during this competition. I knew that I had a lot to gain going into this, more so than many of the competitors in this week, and my performance last night has shown that I took my punches from night’s one and two and am bouncing back.

The long and the short of this though was that I didn’t place last night. I apparently was very close to placing, as everyone was every excited to tell me that I was very close to placing, which means I took sixth. Not bad for someone who couldn’t close just two nights before. 🙂 At this point though, every is surely freaking out about the scores. Word on the street (and mathematically), is that the top three spots are already locked in at this point in the week. This is not surprising, as Jose Sarduy again took first tonight. Matt Billon, Steve Monroe, Roger Lazola, and Jane Stanton rounded out the top five. Beginning to see a pattern here?

Spot number four is also pretty much spoken for. The fifth spot is up for grabs though. Currently Jane is in it right now, but I’ve been told that everyone down to 12th is a contender for 5th when you take into account the drop night. I’m tenth in that list. Dammit guys! I’m trying not to look at my scores here. Anyone who is going to, or who have been in this competition, not looking at your scores is the toughest freaking thing to do, especially as it comes down to the wire and everyone is freaking out. You will find out, even if you don’t want to, because someone will want to talk with you about it and will “fill you in” just so they can complain or brag or whatever about their own position. “Hey Brian I’m 8th so I’m still in the running, you’re 10th by the way so you shouldn’t give up either.” Dammit! Stop unpurifying my thoughts!

Jose Sarduy has been a really great guy to hang out with during this competition. Last night he offered me some great advice about merchandising and doing theater shows. Talked about writing jokes, his experiences in the San Fransisco competition, and just good comedy. He also complimented me on my sets the last two nights, which doesn’t hurt either. It’s this kind of stuff for which I’m really exciting to be participating this year. The field is so good, the sets are so polished, that I can’t NOT learn anything just by being here.

We went out for drinks with most of the competitors last night in Capitol Hill after the show. This was the first (and probably only) outside show hangout everyone did together. We had a good 16 people at the bar, it was a nice sized party. I drove Ahmed and Josh down from Everett, and I introduced them to Dic’s Hamburgers on the way to the bar. Ahmed says, “I’m kinda hungry” and I turn to him and say, “I know what we can put in your stomach, some Dic’s.” It then took me five minutes to undo the damage and convince him that Dic’s was an actual drive in and not some gay stripper club. It’s kind of a Seattle institution, just a notch below In-N-Out Burgers. They loved it and my car was filled with the smells of Dic’s all the way to the bar.

I really need to take a shower as my ride is about 15 minutes away from picking me up to drive me up to Bellingham, where tonight’s show will take place. Stay tuned for the fourth installment tomorrow!

Seattle International Comedy Competition – Night 2 & 3

Ok so I already haven’t kept to my one blog post per night. Sorry, I had to go to work and it sucked yesterday. So here are my updates from nights two and three. Night two was at Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland. This is my home club, so I was expecting a great set. I was scheduled to go up third, which was a little early. I went after Jose Sarduey, which was the guy who took first from the first night. He had another great set, which I think set the expectations a little high for my set.

Regardless, I had a strong opening again. I think I lost the crowd though when I started being a little mean during my online dating joke. I also tried some new segways that were a little clunky, as I wrote them outside the club. Mistakes one and two for the night. I ended with a whimper again that night, which was upsetting as I was hoping to show well at the club I do the most sets at. Oh well. Steve Monroe took first with a joke about the five types of hugs, where he hugged some lady from the audience and explained what he was doing. I’m so upset that this guy comes into my home club and rips off my “Five different types of hand jobs joke”, albeit my joke is a lot harder to get a participant to help with. Jose Sarduy, Roger Lazola, Matt Billion, and Andy Hanyes filled out the rest of the top five. Cy Amundson also had a great set, but was denied placing. Fun times in the life of comedy competitions.

So now we’re going into night three, the Auburn Theater. I had gotten interviewed by the Auburn Reporter on Thursday when I was leaving work. I thought that I might be one of the many people that were being interviewed for the paper. I was wrong. When I got to the theater, a woman approached me and said, “I recognize you from the paper.” I got a hold of the article that she was talking about; my mug was on the front page. Pretty cool eh? I was a good page long article about my rise to comedy greatness and my participation in this years show. Well maybe not greatness, but it talked about how I hate bombing my first year doing comedy. He also spelled my name “Boshe”, which my dad wasn’t happy to hear about. That last “s” is important you know.

The show in Auburn was awesome. Everyone was having killer sets. Josh Gondelman, a comic in from Boston who I had given a ride to the gig that night, went up and had the best set I’ve seen him have so far in the competition. He’s a Jewish comedian of a similar age, our acts our quite a bit different, but he was the one for me to beat tonight. I was up 14th, which I was concerned about maybe the crowd becoming too tired by the time I hit the stage. I couldn’t have been more wrong. They stayed strong the entire night and I had the best night in the competition so far.

In the previous nights, I had done a joke about “morning sex” and also a kind of sexist tag during my online dating routine. Both of those bits destroyed my closer, and I always ended weakly. I was determined to change this going into tonight. It was also “TV-clean” night, which meant that the morning sex bit was pushing it, so there was extra motivation there. I decided to replace both of those with a bit about restless leg syndrome drug and my experiences getting my wedding suit fitted, the latter which I had done on night one. The difference was sizable. There wasn’t a reason for the audience not to like me anymore! I finally got to close strong, got my encore point, and left the stage thinking “that is how I should have been competing from the start”.

This performance was enough to eek out fifth place right in front of Josh Gondelman, who was right behind me be one tenth of a point. I placed! That is really all I wanted to do; place one night of the competition. Get that coveted picture of me and the four other finishers that night. I was so excited, and happy, and thrilled to be on that side of the stage, in front of that great crowd in Aurburn, after having my best set of the competition so far. After the show, I went to Denny’s with Josh, Cy, and Ahmed and had way too much sugar, and then drove Josh and Ahmed back to their host house in Wedgewood. What a great middle of the competition. I’ve reach my goal, and still have three more nights left in the competition. I figured out my set, this is what I’m sticking with for the rest of my competition. Too bad it took two nights to figure it out. 🙂 Who knows, I might actually have to start thinking about moving on to the semis, which in all honesty, I had ruled out before tonight.

Oh, and if you want to read the article, I’ve linked it here.

Seattle International Comedy Competition – Night 1

Tonight kicked off the first night of the 30th annual Seattle International Comedy Competition at the beautiful Columbia City Theater. It’s the first night of my preliminary week, and my first night in a real competition (if we don’t count Bend as a real competition). I drew 3rd in the lineup, which was a good place for me as I wanted to go up early this show and not sit and be anxious before my first set.

I’d like to say that it worked out that way and I wasn’t anxious. That couldn’t be more from the truth. I was super nervous getting through my entire set. My opener fell correctly though and my follow-up joke, which I had changed the wording to moments before hitting the stage, worked as well. The middle of the set also went well. My morning sex joke didn’t quite land like I wanted to, but I heard a bunch of people loosing their shit somewhere in the audience, so overall I was happy. My closer did ok, but the thing I’m most upset about was I flubbed putting the mic back in the mic stand. I was so embarrassed as I sat for a good 15 seconds and tried to figure out how to jam it back in there. That might have cost my some points in my technique or something, but I’m not looking at my scores until this entire week is over. Should save me from a lot of head games. I did get the all important “encore point” which adds a point to my score. All but two comics tonight got that, and those that didn’t had a bit of a meltdown (understandably).

So I didn’t make the top five tonight. Jane Stanton, the only female in the group, took fifth. Matt Billon was fourth. Andy Haynes and Roger Lazola were third and second respectively. Roger had just come off the finals for the San Francisco comedy competition, so the second place finish was not to say expected, but well justified. Jose Sarduy took first and it was totally warranted. That guy destroyed the room tonight. His mostly Cuban-themed set was well polished, high energy, original and the crowd just ate it up, including yours truly. I’ll be really excited to see him do that set again and again in this competition. If he keeps having reactions like that though, he’s in the semis for sure.

It’s going to be a really tough week from a competitors standpoint. It’s just a really great field. There aren’t any people that you watch and go “he’s definitely not in the semis”. Really, after only one night though, it’s still anyone’s game; no one is going to go quietly in this competition. That being said, all the guys seem really cool and fun to hang out with. I won’t go into it too much more than that after the first night as they could all be douchebags and it may take a day or two to tease it out of them. Regardless, I hope to make some new contacts at least in some new markets and hopefully they enjoy Seattle.

Tomorrow we head to Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland, my home club. I’m going to shake whatever is left of these nerves and bring it tomorrow, HARD. Can’t wait!

UPDATE: Just watched the video. It looked way better than I thought it was. Rock on!

My Arizona Comedy Debut

Well it’s come and gone. Well sort of, because I’m still here. My first comedy tour in Arizona is complete! Now its time to sit back, relax, take in more of this Arizona sunshine and visit with the family. I grew up here; born and raised in Scottsdale, Arizona. It’s really important to break into this scene as I come down here a half dozen times a year. It would be really nice to be able to do comedy when I do, and then I could write off the flights as a “business expense.”

The tour has been great! I love calling it a “tour” cause that is everything that wasn’t. It was two shows in two nights. Last night in a bar, tonight in a video production studio. I’m totally moving up in the world.

Last night, after flying in and getting a quick meal with my parents, I made them drive me (cause I like feeling like I’m 14) into downtown Phoenix for my first gig at the Hidden House. This show was recommended to me by a fellow comedian in Seattle that got his start in Phoenix. The “Red Room” at the Hidden House is a room next to a bar that serves $6 steaks on Wednesdays, has $7.50 mini pitchers of beer, and could hold about 40 people without the fire marshal getting upset. Last night there were about that many people. I went up sort of near the end, so I was able to get a good feel for how the room was going to behave. Man, that was a trained audience. No hecklers. They’ve done a good job making a fine comedy audience at that Hidden House. My set was pretty good, but I thought I saw the light too early and bailed, which was the professional thing to do, but I was still pissed as I passed up time in front of a good audience. Still trying to work on my competition set, so I got some good mileage out of that regardless.

Tonight I performed at the “Thursday Night Funny” show at the Arizona Visual Arts Studio. This is actually a pretty cool place where local businesses can go to get anything from commercials made to 3-D animations for presentations. Oh, and on the first and third Thursday of the month, they also have free comedy on Sound Stage B. It was a pretty cool stage. The audience could have held around 30 people, so its a pretty intimate showroom. It was “very” intimate tonight though. I did get a free Miller High Life Light. See, now I didn’t even know that they made that beer in a “light” form. The more you know… Did about eight minutes and some of the jokes I didn’t get to do the previous night. I wish I could do some of my newer jokes that I’ve been writing, but for first impressions down here I didn’t want to open mic it.

I’ve learned a bit about the comedy scene down here and I’ve found there are some interesting differences and similarities to Seattle and Phoenix comedy scenes. This opinion is formed after doing only two shows here, so bear with me, but it still deserves documentation in blog form:

  • Phoenix comics like to say “fuck” a lot, especially at the Hidden House, whereas Seattle comics like to say “shit” a lot, basically everywhere.
  • Comedy personalities transcend state borders. I’ve found doppelgangers of a couple Seattle comics that I really want to introduce to each other. It would be old Doc from “Back to the Future II” seeing past Doc, and one is freaking out because the other guy stole his premise.
  • No matter how creepy you might be, having an t-shirt with your head on it usually ups you on the creepiness scale.
  • My Dad loves trainwrecks.
  • Some of the coolest places to do comedy, not a lot of audience members come to. It all comes down to the most important thing in show-business, parking.
  • I have too much hair for some of the people in Phoenix. That, or a need a haircut. Probably both.
  • If you see a guy in the lobby with a guitar case, chances are, he is going to play it. If he plays it, you will feel awkward. There are no chances there, it’s just a fact.
  • In Seattle people complain about the rain. In Phoenix people complain about Seattlites visiting in the winter because of the rain. In this situation, no one wins, except the comics. Even then, it’s a viscous cycle of hack material.

Vanity Series: Interesting Links, part I

Do you ever Google yourself? You know, just to see what’s out there on you? I do, and just did. This post series will be dedicated to the weirdest places where I found links to things about me.

Tonight’s winner goes to “Jew Station”.

To think there is actually a website out there called “Jew Station”. Jesus…

It features a comedy time video I did over a year ago which has been picked up by a crapload of websites that don’t produce their own content. Comedy time, freakin best thing I did ever. Next time I’ll wear a better shirt.

Seattle Comedy Competition Countdown

Friends and various blog readers, I’ve been away from the blog for a while. I’m sorry. Who would have thought an epiphany would be so time consuming. It’s been a combination of things really, but needless to say I’m really happy right now. Which is usually bad for comedy, but I’m doing ok. This month will prove to be a very exciting month filled with some interesting gigs and writing I’m sure. Next month it gets even more interesting…

Starting the first week in November, I’ll be competing in the 30th annual Seattle International Comedy Competition. Check it out here to see my mug on the page of comics (new picture taken just for the comp). I’m in week one of the preliminaries, which means I’m doing six back to back shows all over the greater Seattle area that first week in November. I’ll be scored in a bunch of different areas like originality, likability, and stage presence. I’ll be competing against 16 people in my round, with the top five moving on to the semis. The second prelim week will bring in another 5 out of 16 for a total of 10 in the semi-finals. Then it’s whittled down to the final 5 for the last round. The final show is at the Moore Theater in downtown Seattle in front of multiple hundreds of people. The winner gets a CD deal (among other things). I hope to do a short blog post about each night as the experience unfolds. Let’s hope I get to do more than six posts. 🙂

I think at this point I’ve figured out the jokes I want to tell for my first round set. It has to be somewhere over three minutes to score but under seven to stay qualified, and all of it has to be really funny. Especially the last part; closer has to be solid. That is where I think I’m the most shaky but have the most potential for improvement, so I’ve been hitting the shows and working on my competition set. I don’t want to question anything about my set when I get up there and do it. I just want to go up and give the best performance I can six times in a row. That’s all I can do. Hopefully if I’m not worrying about my set I can also enjoy myself just a little. That would be nice.

I’m also looking forward to meeting some of the comedians that are coming from all over the country (and Canada?). This year, Seattle only took nine locals, which is quite few when compared to previous years. It’ll be good for both the audience and the competitors as it should be a pretty varied field with lots of different styles. I’m anxious to get some new comedy acquaintances that I can meet up with if I’m ever in their respective home towns. I hope they like me.

Many of the past competitors have been bending my ear on what a mind-fuck the competition will be and giving me tips to survive it. I’m really encouraged by the advice for the most part. I think that being able to deal with the mental (non-comedy) part of the competition is going to be the biggest part for me getting through this on many different levels. It can really do a number on you to take something subjective as stand-up, especially my stand which I have written is truly important only to me, and then try to apply a measure to it. Well Brian, your material is original, but your charisma is a three. WTF? These are the kind of things one has to be ready for when comedy competes.

Most of all, I’m really surprised (in a good way) of all the well wishes (in their various forms) towards my performance in the competition. Thank you to all my friends and colleges that have wished me well so far. You make me think I have a way better shot at this then I thought I did, and for that, I can’t say how much I appreciate it. Good luck to everyone, but especially to yours truly.

The Comedy Lightbulb Switch

I’ve been struggling to take another step up in my comedy over the last couple of weeks. I haven’t had any crazy gigs since Bobcat came to Laughs in July. I haven’t been booking myself out much either as the summer is pretty lite and I’m out enjoying the sun while it’s still here. Still, I’m always somewhat working, always asking, what’s next? I was most recently stressing over my audition set for the Vancouver Comedy Festival. I actually did the set twice, once to no one, and other to a booker I may never see again. Long story short, I’m probably not going to Vancouver this year (it’s in 3 weeks). Regardless, a very big development did come out of the audition experience. Here’s the story.

I had recently written a new joke about how nice it is when you get to have sex in the morning, before getting out of bed. I deliver it with more confidence than anything I’ve told before because A) it IS really nice, and B) it actually happened. It really is my favorite new joke. It’s got a great, easy to relate to angle, characters, and fun twist at the end. Because of its energy, I started using it as my opener when I first wrote it. It would start my set with, “I’m having a great week this week because…”, and go into the new joke. This is how I started my second Vancouver audition. The owner of Laughs Comedy Spot takes me aside and says, “Brian, love the new premise, but it really clashes with your other, more self-deprecating stuff. You should really think about changing the voice or moving it around in the set, because as your opener, no one knows whether to feel bad for you or not when you tell a self-deprecating joke later.” As much as I love constructive criticism, I was upset by this comment initially. “It’s my new opener!” I thought to myself. “This is the high energy stuff I should be doing! How dare he suggest I rewrite this!” It wasn’t that dramatic but you get the idea. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. He was right. Time for an experiment.

My next big gig after the audition was opening for a comic named Brad Upton at a casino about 30 mins north of Seattle. I had decided earlier that I would open using my old opener (about my parents naming me BJ) and put the new morning sex joke at the end. I thought it would make a nice storybook ending to my set. “See all these bad things that happened to me? Well it doesn’t matter now, cause I’m doing this” sort of thing. Best part, it worked! Left the stage feeling really good about how my act flowed and how my new joke worked even better as a closer.

But there was still something nagging me about this new joke. It kind of smelled different than my other material. Even as a closer I felt like the audience wasn’t really going to accept this premise after hearing all my previous no-so-confident opinions about everything else. I didn’t want to water down the morning sex material so to speak. I need a way to alter the approach on the rest of my act. Enter my friend Joe Larson. Joe is probably one of the hottest young comedians on the east coast who your probably haven’t seen yet. You will very soon I guarantee it. His act oozes confidence, even when he’s talking about how he’s not, he still is. I wanted some of that in my act. I asked myself, what is Joe trying to say with his material? I wrote it down some of his jokes and the attitude/opinion he delivered them with. Then I asked, what am I REALLY trying to say with my material? Not “what am I saying today” not “what did I write down originally”, but really, to me, deep down inside, why do I care about the premise? What do I care about? I looked at my jokes and then, suddenly, the attitude just started jumping out at me. I was so excited I could barely write it all down (maybe coffee was also to blame). I started grouping jokes into categories based on these various attitudes (which I wrote out as headers) and then segways and setups that had always seemed clunky and void of laughter became obsolete. “I don’t need to tell them this because what I really wanted to say was this…” kind of thing. What was left was the real funny parts to my ideas but none of the “fluff” I had padded it with because I didn’t know how to butt it up against anything else. When I finished hacking, my opener was gone, assigned to a point about 4 jokes into my first section. My closer is, well I might not have one anymore. Everything is a complete mess and, at the same time, more aligned than I have ever seen it before.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to put it any of this into practice yet. This could be an amazing new epiphany or just another detour on my development as a comic. I’ll know in a couple of weeks. Either way, its moments like these that make the creative process something I never want to live without.

Hemp Fest is filled with D-bags and Hippies, why do I go?

Cause I want/have to work the comedy stage there, that’s why. Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland got the job of providing daylight comedy entertainment in a tent at Hemp Fest. Hemp Fest, if you don’t know, is a weekend long celebration to the (hopefully?) eventual legalization of marijuana. It has very little to do with the industrial uses of hemp. Me, being a really big nerd, that was the reason I first went. I thought, “maybe I’ll be able to buy a really cool hemp backpack or something. At the very least, a nice poster.” So there I was, circa 2006 on the hottest fucking day of the summer, strolling down to the park to buy myself a backpack. Little did I know, the creators originally wanted to call it “Marijuana Party!” but Seattle talked them down to “Hemp Fest” with the provision that if don’t actually blow the smoke in a cops face, they’ll let you smoke pot in public just this once…

I didn’t really know that Hemp Fest was this sort of mecca for some people. They come from all over. All different kinds of people. Actually they are all the same type of people. All selling the same thing. Bongs. And t-shirts with bongs on them. They had bongs made out of junk this year, that was interesting. There were Arabs selling hookas like they were electronics. That was fun to watch, especially at 6pm on Sunday when they all mysteriously went “on sale”. There were bongs that were six feet tall, which is stupid, especially for a person my size. Even stupider were the douche bags that were carrying them around obviously for the attention. It was like a stoner’s version of a Porche. I’ll take a real Porche, thank you.

The one guy I did miss this year was the unbreakable pipe guy. He’s been replaced with bamboo pipe guy, which was nice, but I really liked the other one. He would whack this thing against the table going “IT’S UNBREAKABLE” . “SEE?!?!” He was the Sham-Wow guy of Hemp Fest basically. That really is the only reason to go to Hemp Fest, the people are so goshdarned funny, even if they are all hippies and douchebags. If they aren’t funny they are also semi-naked. There are two types of semi-naked at Hemp Fest. There are the girls sporting the bra because they live in Seattle and don’t actually own a bikini. Then there are the guys. These guys I missed at Folk Life. These are the fellas that work out all summer, then go to events like this shirtless and strut around, as if someone is going to go, “OMG, I love your tat and your 6 foot bong, please have sex with me and my friend with the bra on”. So now the guy driving around in the bong-Porche is getting it detailed as if that makes it look better? I did not see one hookup the whole weekend, although I did see a guy pleasuring himself under a tree. Now THAT was awkward.

The comedy? Oh right, that. I did 5 sets. I watched a couple comics get eaten alive by a stoned crowd with the munchies and no appetite for jokes. I watched one comic clear the room on purpose, and a couple more clearing it on accident. I even did some improve on stage with a bunch of other comics with a special guest host. I capped off the weekend with a set in front of the last act. It’s really interesting to do comedy during the day time to people who didn’t invest anything in seeing your act. By interesting I mean sucked a larger than average penis. Even so, I did about 15 minutes and really had the crowd on my side by the end of it (at least in my head that’s how it went down). Was able to talk with them and had a lot of fun with it, good end to it all. Note: I want a 12 year old sitting in the front row at all of my shows and he has to be as cool as the one at this show. Thanks.

I think the best part of doing comedy at Hemp Fest was that we had a backstage with our own bathroom, drinks, and a place to sit that I didn’t fear getting stabbed in the ass from someones broken bong or pipe. We were supposed to have other people that had backstage passes back there with us, but the owners of the club where like “ummm I don’t know you, so get the fuck out of our area.” Most of them wouldn’t have stayed even if we let them; the other backstages apparently were much “cooler” than ours. And they had food. We had a bag of chips, but we were fine.

In the end, I was there for the same reason all comics go to this sort of thing, to get new material for my act (and my blog). And I got another really nice poster.

It’s so Freaking Hot! or: How I learned to stop sweating and love the sun

That’s a lie. I don’t think I’ll ever stop sweating. At least not anytime this week. Yesterday and today Seattle broke the hottest day on record record with 103 and 96 degrees respectively. It’s really freaking hot, for Seattle. Its like 85 degrees in my house when I try to fall asleep, at 2am. I’ve been getting about 5 hours of sleep this week because of the heat, so I’ve been especially tired and cranky at work. On top of this, I find myself waking up at 4am all delirious thinking that someone is trying to break into my house all because I’m sweating and dehydrated and the fan is blowing straight into my eyeballs so I can barely open them in the morning. Seriously, I spent a good 10 minutes staring out my window last night thinking that my “fire twin” was going to come in through the door and it was going to get even hotter! I was totally sober to the best of my knowledge. That, or I need to go get some more of those raviolis from the farmers market. It’s actually really nice though in the morning. Reminds me of my first job in Phoenix when I was doing tech support and needed to be in at work at 8am. The sun was just starting to get hot and there was a muggy coolness to the air still. Then it got hot as balls (mine can attest to this).

But Phoenicians know how to deal with heat. So does anyone from the South or the Eastern seaboard. West coasters north of San Fran, they’re all retarded. I say “they” and not “we” only because I bought my fans last year and haven’t been a part of the fan and a/c buying frenzy that everyone saw coming from about a week away. Seriously, if I wouldn’t feel like such a douche, I could have made a killing in the air conditioning futures market. What am I getting at? There are no fans left in Seattle. Actually there are still some left in Seattle. There are no fans left in Bellevue is more appropriate. There are big signs at the entrance to the Home Depot in Redmond that says they are out of air conditions, check back in 2 weeks. Two weeks?!? It will be probably be raining by then, who needs a flipping air conditioner then? (Hopefully not, my parents are coming to visit). I heard some friends saying that they wanted to check into a hotel room for the a/c. Consider you can’t even buy it, I would be suprised if you could rent it…

But fans and fan technology has been the topic of choice this week, because I work with a bunch of nerds really. The current argument is that the “Vornado” is the best of fans. After Tuesday night, I’ll agree with them, but the name is just silly. They’re all silly names, I know. You go to Target and all the brands are “Hawaiian Breeze” or “Wind Extruder” or “Hunter”. I think a good marketing move would be to make the brand of fans called “I Am Hot”. Then all the different sizes and shapes could be different variations on the phrase. “I Am (A Little) Hot” would be the smaller one, good for bedside tables and office desks. “I Am (Always) Hot” would be a clip on solar powered fan, for the sweater on the go. “I Am (Really) Hot” would be the room sized box fan, great for any space inside the home. “I Am (Annoying) Hot” would be the one that rotates and purifies the air at the same time. “I Am (Fucking) Hot” would basically come with a block of dry ice and a package of condoms. I would have the “I Am (so hot I’m hallucinating ‘fire twins’) Hot” model, which, coincidentally, is also a box fan.

The other part of the Summer Heat Showdown 2009 that I enjoy are all the Facebook updates regarding the weather. I mean, even if you lived in an air conditioned bubble you could still experience vicariously the miserableness of others though the science of the internet. These daring pioneers of weather opinion reporting are also the same people, that, go back far enough, you’ll see them complaining about it being too cold on their Facebook accounts. I’m convinced that God has a Facebook account and is friends with EVERYONE and is now just screwing with us all in response to his news feed. Twitter and Facebook are very god-like like that. If I could play God, I would really love to make it 45 degrees for a couple of days coming up, just to make the Facebook status updates go from “oooh this weather is cooling me off, so nice!” to “man I kind of miss the heat now, just had to turn on the heater” to “WTF! Its August and its 45 degrees! Seattle blows!”. Until I have the power to control the weather, I’ll write blog posts about it next to my box fan, ehem, I mean “I Am (so hot I’m hallucinating ‘fire twins’) Hot” fan.

Ice Cream is BACK!

I like good food. I like eating. I like eating good food. Good food, I’m convinced, used to just be called “food” 30 years ago. It was just what you ate. You didn’t really think about it. If it was sweet it probably had sugar in it. If it was salty, there was probably a crapload of MSG in it. Nutrition wasn’t really an issue, since food was made out of food.

Now, there seems to be this idea of a “craft food” movement that is happening right now. Kind of like what happened to the beer industry 20 years ago. Refresher, before that point, all beer in this country was crap. But, like 100 years ago, beer was amazing, because it was really beer! Now. Fast forward today. Food, or the thing that we know of as food, isn’t really food. 30 years ago it was, but now, for the most part, it is not. Enter the craft food movement. Enter, ice cream stores. These are on the forefront of the craft food movement, right behind those god damned cupcakes. We used to have ice cream store, then things like Dairy Queen and Baskin Robins took them off the map. We’ll they’re back my friends, back with a vengeance and a really douchy following.

Ok, first off, the ice cream (and the cupcakes for that matter) are delicious. Their great! Taste freaking amazing! Wish I could have them everyday. Good for those people for making such great ice cream. My problem with the whole situation is the douchebags that go to the new ice cream places when they open and comment how it tastes so “traditional and good, not like those brands you find in the store”. Screw you people! You’re the ones that welcomed the shitty ice cream with open arms when it first came out. Holy crap its a $1 cheaper and packed with more of that “home-churned taste.” I’m just really afraid that in 20 years there is going to be a guy that opens an Apple Store that serves home grown apples that were actually grown on a tree. People will come and go, “Wow, all that classic apple taste. This is a place to bring the whole family to experience an apple, the way it should be.” People will come by the hundreds to eat his apples, he’ll open a chain of Apple Stores all over Seattle and Portland. A month later he’ll be sued by the iPod-enabled robotic reincarnation of Steve Jobs. To think, his reintroduction, would have helped the APPL stock price that much.

This blog post is making me hungry. I think I might head over to Safeway to pick up a gallon of Dryers. They’re 50 cents off today!