When is it appropriate?

I don’t really know when it’s appropriate for guys to be talking in the bathroom. I’m going to go with never. There really isn’t anything private enough that we really need a bathroom to do it in, and if it isn’t private, let’s talk about it outside. The bathroom isn’t an escape for guys. Maybe it’s because there aren’t couches in our bathroom. When I was growing up, I remember seeing in the department store bathroom, for a brief second before the door shut, a couch. A freaking couch! In the bathroom!?!? This is not where I would expect couches to be. Ask any girl though, and at some point she’s probably been in a bathroom that was set up encouraging ladies to stay and chat.

Like I said, guys don’t go in there to talk. Really there isn’t anything that we could say in the confines of that oddly sterile yet usually disgusting place that needs to be discussed RIGHT THERE. It’s never a discussion. Usually, if guys are talking in a bathroom it’s statements of fact; factorum non debatum. Acceptable bathroom lines of discussion (note all should be answered in the affirmative):

  • This band/party/happy hour/strip club is amazing.
  • I’m really drunk/high/wasted right now.
  • That chick was super hot/slutty/fat/cougerish.
  • Avitar was freakin amazing/sweet/seizure enducing.
  • I believe the original Back to the Future was superior to the other two.

These rules are put to the test in the workplace. You spend your whole day in a cubicle staring at a computer screen and suddenly, you’re in the bathroom, standing next to someone you want to talk to. Given your limited social time in the workplace and the pressing issues delegated to you that day, you might actually have something IMPORTANT to say to him. Now what? This could be the only chance to get your question in. And he’s peeing; where is he going to go? This is your chance, right? Granted he could whip around mid-stream and start yelling to you about bathroom behavior, but then he’d be peeing on the floor and who wouldn’t hold that over their coworker.

Worse than that, is when a superior at work wants to talk to YOU in the bathroom. You have to talk back, you can’t ignore your boss. Don’t worry, it will usually just be a question or two (he’s still a guy and is going to the bathroom). Remember, the affirmative rule from above. You just grip on what God endowed you with and answer back with confidence. How was your weekend? Fucking awesome, and you’re done. Remember, it will probably only be a question or two. Plan for this. Remember, you’re never required to ask a followup question. This will put him on the defensive and that isn’t what you want to do. He who controls the salary gets to ask the questions while he pees. Old bathroom proverb. Written right next to “Brett is gay”.

If you have to ask questions, do it at the sink. The sink is where all the talking should be happening anyways. I mean, first of all, you’re only there cause someone else is in the bathroom in the first place, so it’s not like you’re really using it. Second of all, there is usually a mirror, so both parties can look at how much better looking they are than the other guy instead of actually listening to what he is saying.

This blog post was inspired by me breaking every one of these rules in from of the VP in my department yesterday. The things I do for you people…

Comedy New Year’s Resolutions

I’m not too keen on the term “New Year’s Resolutions”. It’s too much pressure. Who’s knows what my life will be like by the end of 2010. I could resolve to work out and be more healthy in my eating, but perhaps I discover I have a penchant for making cheesecakes in a reclining position. Maybe I resolve to use words like “penchant” more often, but then I loose all my friends because they no longer understand me or think I’ve gone all hipster on them.

I think there is some honest truth behind NYRs. It’s a time to set goals for the coming year. To take stock in your life and figure out what you want. People like asking what your NYR is this year because people are nosy, and want to size up their goals against yours. Too ambitious, people won’t care and/or hope for your failure so their more attainable goal seems less diminished. Too easy and those that ask will feel empowered since they have obviously taken on more of a challenge than you. And then there are the mighty few who say, “I don’t have a NYR” or the ever popular, “My NYR was not to make a NYR“. First of all, the latter is a contradiction, since you in theory have just made one and have achieved it, therefore, you’re a douchebag. QED.

Come on people, you’re cognitive human beings who are a part of this great declining civilization called America. You can’t think of a goal? Just one goal!?! No wonder this country is sort of screwed right now. Hey you, average American, what do you want to do this year? Oh me, I don’t like thinking about what I want to do with myself. I’d rather find new and interesting way to get diabetes. Welcome to the future my friends…

Ok, so in the spirit of making goals. Here are some of my comedy based goals for the upcoming year:

  • Create two 30 minute sets. I don’t think I’m ready to headline by any means, since that requires a lot of pacing, but, by the end of this year, I would like to have enough good material to do two distinct 30 minute sets. I’ll be starting at the halfway point, with what I’ll assume is one 30 minute set. This assumption is debatable, but I won’t do it with you.
  • Update brianboshes.com. It still says, will be featuring all over the Pacific Northwest in the spring, which, I guess its true, but that was written almost a year ago. I also don’t have that beard anymore.
  • Blog more.
  • Do comedy in LA, NYC, and Phoenix. Get a spot at the Tempe Improv so my family can come see me do comedy in my home town.
  • Finish a comedy project that isn’t standup. Some kind of sketch or script or something. Haven’t figured out what I want to do yet, but the goal is there.
  • Continue writing at least once a week. Preferably more.
  • Produce a comedy show.
  • Start up a new writing group which encourages people to be better, preferably better in a way that I like so open mics are more enjoyable for me.
  • And as always, get funnier.

Ok, there they are. Let’s see how I do, shall we? Welcome to 2010!