Bend Comedy Competition

I’m composing this post from the Oakland airport. I spent the weekend in Berkeley with friends (no gigs this time down) and was hoping to catch an earlier flight home. The flight I was trying to catch is now 2 hours late, which makes it really close to what I am currently booked on. Funny how that happens. Every time I think about bitching about flying now though I’m reminded of Key Lewis’s bit on Conan (find it if you haven’t seen it). Still, it’s a business, this flying thing. If you went to a restaurant and you had to wait 2 hours to sit down, you would be pissed. You’d go to another restaurant. Now, assume EVERY OTHER restaurant did the same thing to you. Well, we’d eat at home? Airline material is hack, this is why I don’t do it (much)…

In other news, friends, I’ll be performing this year in the 1st annual Bend Oregon Comedy Competition. It’s April 1st – 4th. There are two nights of quarter finals, of which I’m pretty sure I’m in the second of the two, then one night of semis and one night of finals. There is a good group of Seattle comedians that are going to to be making the trek down. If you try to find me on the list of comedians though, I’m not on it. Suckage! One of the original comedians dropped out and I got his spot last week. I would tell you who it is, but I wouldn’t want you chastising him for being a wimp (or getting a better paying gig).

This isn’t a really an entertaining post, I know. I’m kind of drained from all this sun I’m not used to, and the airport doesn’t really scream comedy genius right now. I’m pretty sure its already been sucked out by two decades of funny people before me.

When I say I’m going to make t-shirts…

…I make freakin t-shirts. Now I only had to make 5 attempts at getting a good screen, AND the 5th screen was completed around 1am on Monday. Knock off the fact that I spent $50 on supplies and another $30 on the two shirts (ya I only made two!), and it was a pretty fun experience in the end. At least now I know how to screen print my own shirts, right? Lesson learned though, I will never attempt to make t-shirts to sell. That is what the Internet is for.

If you read my last post, you should already know the backstory to why I had to make this shirt.

Yep, that’s the final product. Awesome no? I wore it out to the open mic on Tuesday. The cool kids got it. Everyone else can suck it. And by “it” I mean my giant CGI enhanced NOT BLUE wiener. NOT BLUE, got it!?! Does it say anywhere on my shirt that I have a blue penis. No! It says hung like, as in size, not color. That thing in the center is not a boob with a mole on it. Go see the freaking movie. Douches.

Working on a shirt now that says “Expendable Crew Member” on it for the new Star Trek premiere cause you know at least a couple of people are going to die in it. Kind of a throwback to “Galaxy Quest” too. Again, my wit will be lost on the masses…

Giant Blue CGI Penises for EVERYONE!

The overwhelming review that I’ve gotten from people who’ve seen the “Watchmen” is the following:

“It was an amazing movie. The ending was a bit weak. There was ALOT of full frontal blue glowing naked guy!”

After seeing the movie myself last week, I have to agree with the above review completely. I’ve included a picture of said blue glowing naked guy, Dr Manhattan, on the right. So, before seeing the movie though, I was wondering how many times you would see his junk. For the first 30 minutes of the movie they don’t show it. Its always shots from the navel up or when he is standing full frontal, he has some weird black bikini bottoms on. I relaxed a bit. Then all of a sudden, he’s lost the bottoms and its just out there! And he never gets the bottoms back. It’s as if the movie producers said, “well now that we’ve crossed that barrier we don’t have to go back.” It wouldn’t be so bad, except now every time Dr. Manhattan is the shot, I’m staring at it going, why is it being shown here? Does it add something to the scene? Why isn’t he circumcised?

Ok so that’s the way the character was portrayed in the graphic novel, so I’m willing to let that slide. But there were some amazingly attractive women in this movie and you barely see them naked. There is ONE boobie shot of the new Silk Specter, that’s it, just one! Although it was good enough to make up from the scaring produced by CGI wang, the ratio of naked men to women in this movie is whack! Again, this wouldn’t be a big deal, but who is the target audience of this comic book film? Girls with a fetish for glowing super human god like men? If Cosmopolitan puts out the article that says women need to hold out for their Dr. Manhattan’s, us guys, we’re all fucked.

That being said, it was an awesome movie. Most of the characters are bad ass and, although the movie is a bit slow, has a great story for the most part. Purists will complain that the ending is different and they missed some things, check out Wikipedia if you really must know.

By the way, I’m planning on making t-shirts that say “I’m hung like Dr. Manhattan” over the next week. That was really all I wanted to say in this post, but that would have been too short and I might have lost some of you. Now you know…

Step #1: Take Better Pictures!

Its going to be a good week for comedy. I’ve got a feature set this weekend at Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland, WA. If you are around Seattle, you really should come check it out. I’ll be debuting my new comedy character. The more “intensely nerdy” Brian Boshes. It sounds better in real life. I’ll also be filming on Saturday so new clips will be coming soon. That aside, I have something else to share with you today.

My friend James has fallen into a bit of luck with the ladies. This is said very mildly (which HE never does). Now, I’m a pretty handsome guy. I’ve got a good job. I own a car. I even tell jokes that some people find funny. What gives?!?! I’m funnier than James at least! Meth turkeys?!? Come on! That’s just weird. How could you ever want to make out with a guy who’s punch line is “meth turkey” (this arguement ignores the fact that I have a joke that ends with “Ninja Turtle / Care Bear”).

I think I’ve figured it out though. This guy takes a way better picture than me. Evidence #1:

Just look at him. That’s a great picture. You wouldn’t even think to yourself that this guy wasn’t as funny as Brian. It oozes confidence and a “well I don’t care if you fuck me” attitude that I with I could capture on film. Case in point, I give you Evidence #2:

Who is that guy!?!? My god. It doesn’t help that it’s in B&W either, but this picture is giving Ted Bundy a run for his money (as far as pictures go) on the creepiness scale. Probably one of the weirdest smiles I’ve ever gotten captured on film. Then there’s that hand. What was I doing? Saying hello to something, stretching out some unknown muscle in my back that needed attention, or just being weird? I think the latter. Thank god my hair has grown in from this time too, I don’t even want to go there…

So there it is, the one singular reason I’m not doing so well with the ladies right now. Now that I’ve called it out, it shouldn’t be an issue anymore. So, now that its been eliminated (as I promise not to take pictures like that anymore) let the deluge of pent up sexual aggression for my hot bod come pouring down on me. I’m ready!

Why Reply All is the Devil

So someone at work today decided to send out an email and it somehow got the entire company (lets just say around 1000 people) receiving the message. It almost took down the mail server today. All of my “real” mail took about 30 minutes to get to me. Not that I’m a whiny techno-bitch that takes the internet for granted, but it did generate some amazing comments as the reply-alls started piling up. Basically what happened here was that people sent their message and then it didn’t get posted for 15 mins. In that 15 mins, a bunch of people also replied. Hilarity ensues! Here is a select few of the responses that came through (in rough order of received time, from sane to ridiculous):

  • “To Whom it may concern:
    I know that I wasn’t supposed to get this notification. However, I am just concerned that I got it INSTEAD of a required recipient. So this is just a note to let you know that someone might not have gotten the notice.”
  • “Can we stop with the reply all he sent a cancellation”
  • “I should not have received this as well”
  • “STOP REPLYING ALL TO THIS MESSAGE. YOU WILL SEVERELY IMPACT THE PERFORMANCE OF OUR EMAIL SERVER.” (this was sent reply-all)
  • “Unsubscribe” (it starts)
  • “Ah, I’m on here too”
  • “DO NOT HIT REPLY ALL ANYMORE!”
  • “No seriously. Stop “replying all” everyone.”
  • “While we’re spamming on the topic, I receive a good deal of emails I believe I shouldn’t. Is this a good place to mention it?”
  • “Unsubscribe……Please”
  • “Unsubscribe does not work. Please just stop replying”
  • “Sending ‘unsubscribe’ to everyone in the company will not actually unsubscribe you from the list”
  • “UNSUBSCRIBE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!”
  • http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comic_timing
  • “Please stop responding to this email. Read all the strings if you don’t understand what is going on”
  • “Unsub please.” (Does this guy think just changing the wording will help?)
  • “Cease and desist replying all immediately please”
  • “Subscribe me, please”
  • “before everyone leaves the party, check out my band’s music video”
  • “Everyone has been officially unsubscribed. Please do not reply to this email for settings to take effect. Thanks”

Who says the workplace isn’t fun?

UPDATE: Today someone posted graphs detailing the situation yesterday. Here is one that’s probably safe to share:

My friend the VO Artist

If I had to pick my favorite thing about going to college, it would all the amazing people that I met and hopefully, if I have my way, continue to stay friends with. Especially the famous ones. My friend Glenn is working to become a voice over artist. Those are the guys that provide voices for TV, movies, video games, basically anywhere you need a great voice but couldn’t care for shit what they look like. Don’t get me wrong, Glenn is very attractive (no-homo), that’s just who they are though. He sounds freaking amazing though. You’re going to hear this guy on the radio real soon and you won’t even know it he’s that good! Don’t believe me, give him a listen

Oh and a note to all my other friends, get famous already so I can have someone to mooch off of.