Country Music and Learning How to Grind

Ok, so for this not to be too weird, I should let you know that I was born and raised in Arizona. My mom had a love for country western, and if she was driving, that was what we were listening to. That or the Disney medley cassette tape. Not that it was a bad time to be listening to country music, Garth Brooks, Alan Jackson, Randy Travis. Men’s men, singing about tractors and farming, women and old people, booze and more booze. That being said…

Today on my ride into work I lost my shit in the car. I was listening to the radio and they were playing a new Carrie Underwood song on the country station. Yes, I have a country station programmed on my radio. Please get over yourselves. Anyways, I couldn’t quite place the melody until the chorus came on, and I realized it was a remake of Randy Travis’s “I told you so”. For some reason, it hit me really hard, like every memory of driving around with my Mom, and I got all misty and was like, fuck, this is not how I wanted to start my day. The same thing happened a year ago when I heard “Kiss me baby” by the Beach Boys on Pandora and melted at my desk at work. Anyways, YouTube has a mash up of the two versions, so you can get an idea of what they both sound like, check it out.

So you’re thinking, this a comedy blog, that wasn’t very uplifting Brian. I understand, and thankfully, the internets provided me with some more awesome as soon as I sat down at my desk (and listened to the above YouTube clip around a half dozen times). On my iGoogle homepage, I have an amazingly crappy widget called “How to of the Day”. Its a wiki of “how to do things” and the best part about them is that nine times out of ten they are things you should already know, or are pointless to try and explain. Today’s gem of an article is “How to Grind”.

If you don’t have the 2 minutes it takes to read this, let me pull some of the diamonds in the ruff out for you. If you do, go read it, cause its peppered with images of the guys that probably wrote the article. First the steps:

  1. Dance near a person you want to grind with – Seems easy enough. Oh look, the word “dance” is highlighted, meaning there is another very informative wiki page on just dancing. Shit, if you don’t even know what dancing is, I don’t know if this wiki is going to do anything for you, especially in a day. Lets move on, assuming you’ve identified a victim and know how to “dance”
  2. Dance with your your hips together – Not really true. I mean yes, hips together is important, but really it should say, try and wedge your junk within the small of her back, or have her place her bits on your thigh and rub vigorously. Cause really, isn’t this WHY you decided to freak dance her in the first place? There are two helpful bullets in this section, the first instructs guys to grope the ladies, the second point instructs ladies to not get groped. Thumbs up!
  3. Join a grinding chain – Yes! Why just freak dance one person when you can have someone freaking you at the same time! How does this happen, well the author simply puts that “Sometimes a two women will ‘sandwich’ a man, and others will latch on”, WTF? I mean it’s happened to be before, but I don’t know why and you’ve been no help in explaining. The article should really just be a long article on how to make this “sandwiching” phenomenon happen on command. Wiki how to of the day, this is what I request of you!

The tips section is even better. I will some it up in one word, erections. Apparently it happens when someone is rubbing on your junk but they offer some friendly tips on how not to stab your dance partner. Classic!

Ok, made it through that article, great. One more thing before you leave. Head over to the related article, “How to Grind (for Girls)”. You don’t have to read the whole thing, in fact, I’ve just pulled out step 8 cause it’s just that good:

“Be ready for the song to end. Usually, the guy will walk away. Sometimes he’ll say something and sometimes not. Don’t be offended if he just walks away in the middle of the song. Don’t let that get to you. Just quickly find that friend you were dancing with before. Make it look like nothing is wrong and you’re glad that he’s gone. Also if you feel that the guy is starting to slow down and might leave, beat him to the punch. Leave him first!”

As you can plainly see here, the article was written by a lady with very high self esteem. Seriously?!?! Does anyone else feel like this step is strangely sexist? I mean, if I’m grinding with a girl, and she is willingly letting me grind on her, where the hell am I going to go!?!? Who are these people that are freak dancing with beautiful women and half way through think “F-this, I’m out!” If I’m slowing down, its because I’m going “holy shit this is awesome!” and trying to log the memory to hard storage below the 4 Jack and Cokes I had to try and get up the courage to do this and make sure my little friend would stay paralyzed in my jeans for the length of a Kanye West song.

I’ll be bringing these to the open mic on Monday I think…

Love you!
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In Port Orchard, you get a gift basket!

This week capped off my most busy week of comedy to date (which isn’t saying that much in relative terms). I did a show Thursday, two on Friday, two on Saturday, one on Sunday, and one on Wednesday. The best part about them though was that I got paid for all of them! I’m like a working comedian and stuff…

The last two gigs deserve highlighting though. The one on Sunday was for a reform Jewish meet-up at a temple in Bellevue. I did 20 minutes in front of a bunch of older Jewish people, and you know what, it went well. Now, I didn’t go into my online dating stuff to the full extent, but they got the “mount it over my fireplace line” and were quoting it after the show. I also didn’t do any of my drug jokes. Probably a good call. They also fed me some of the best deli I’ve had up here in Seattle so far.

The gig on Wednesday was in Port Orchard. That’s like an 1:10 minute drive with no traffic. I got there way too early so I got to “hang out” in Port Orchard. This was spent watching the recap of the Cardinals-Eagles game where the Cardinals won and sent them to the Superbowl. Side note, I didn’t know you could watch an entire football game in 30 minutes and its definitely the way to go if you don’t actually care about watching it in real time. All the best plays, and Madden doesn’t talk! Especially if there is no sound on! Ok, so the gig went well. It was a little rocky until I pointed out that people from Bremerton were dim witted, whereas then I was informed that the entirety of the audience was from Bremerton (which I expected) and so I got to profess my love for nuclear submarines as well. Everyone wins! I had them after that…

Best part about Port Orchard (or more specifically, the Slip 45 where the gig was at) was at the end they give you a gift basket (in addition to getting paid) as a thank you for coming out. Here is a picture of said gift basket:
Pretty snazy huh!?! Yes, that’s right kiddies, that’s fudge in my freaking basket! I don’t know why I’m using so many exclamation points today? Must be the weather. It’s snowing again. I’m kind of done with it being cold here and it’s so not over yet.

Anyways, time for me to write something brilliant. Catch you all soon!

This blog posting brought to you by the kick ass gift basket pictured above…

Paid Gigs and Battlestar Galatica

First and foremost, Battlestar Galatica is back on TV. My nights aren’t so lonely anymore! This is the last season, so its ending in about 12 episodes. Just saw the newest one on Hulu.com. Kind of a downer, but I didn’t expect anything different I guess. Lost starts Wednesday, but I have a gig in Port Orchard that night so I’ll have to catch it during the weekend I guess. My parents are into House and 24, which also start tonight, so everyone’s happy. Yay!

This was a good weekend for comedy. Featured with Tom Rhodes at Laughs Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Thursday was a private gig for a tech company here in Seattle. I was bummed though, I thought it was going to be for Wachovia Securities. I thought of all these great jokes for them, and my friend Joe Larson (check him out, hella funny), gave me the line that “since they’ve merged with Wells Fargo, they are going to have to change their name to Wachovia InSecurities“. Ended up being fun none the less. Did about 7 minutes just teasing them about having their Christmas party at a comedy club and the fact that they were a tech company. That stuff was awesome. Then, as soon as I tried to to my “real” act, I got shut down. I guess it doesn’t matter how funny it is, when the punch line is about getting high at work, you’re not going to belly laugh in front of your boss. Lesson learned.

Friday and Saturday were both great sets of shows. I wish they were all that easy. Gave away some business cards and I hope a get a few new fans out of it. Had some people coming up to me after the show saying that they always enjoy my act, so I guess you could say I’m beginning to generate a following.

Sunday was another private gig. This was definitely my most busy weekend as far as hours on stage. Coupled with Wednesday’s gig over in Port Orchard, this will also be the most in a week that I’ve been paid to do standup. Still far from quiting my day job, but it’s exciting none the less.

Nightmare in the Kitchen, Party in my Pants

If you read my recent post about Starship Troopers, then you should be familiar with my TV-less state at the moment. If you haven’t, stop reading and read that one, because its fucking brilliant. Next, go to Hulu.com and familiarize yourself with its awesomeness. Now…

I’ve come to the conclusion that Americans don’t know how to cook, and by cook I mean run restaurants. They are two separate things, I understand, cooking and running a restaurant. The first; cooking. I know Americans as a whole don’t really know how to cook. This group does not contain the group of Americans who recently emigrated to this country. They undoubtedly still have traditions they brought over from the “old country”, where they still know how to make “food” without the help of a little glove or dough boy. Americans are getting a little bit better, thanks to global monstrosities such as Whole Foods and Rachael Ray, but we still have a long way to go. I can’t believe its not butter!?!? I can’t believe you are eating that crap! Still, other than my own observations, and the fact that I don’t use margarine (any more), I have no ultimate proof that Americans can’t cook.

The second part of my argument, that Americans can’t run restaurants, has been proven unquestionably by being the source material for my favorite television show at the moment, “Kitchen Nightmares” (duh-duh-duuuuuuuuh). Kitchen Nightmares was first an English show. This proves that the British also can’t run a restaurant, but this has been documented for hundreds of years I’m pretty sure.

Kitchen Nightmares, like the Office, was adapted to American TV. I don’t know how far they had to go to “adapt” it. All they did was take the host, chef Gordon Ramsay, from England to New Jersey and let him continue to yell at people. That’s pretty much the entire show, and the only reason to watch it, is in fact, to watch Ramsay go balls-out crazy at the owners of these restaurants for 44 minutes with five, 30 second commercials on Hulu. It’s not like they don’t deserve it mind you. The basic setup for any restaurant on this show has most, if not all, of the following going on:

  • No head chef, absentee head chef, or one who doesn’t speak any English.
  • Owner is going to loose their house and is at least $200K in debt. Handlebar mustache or emotional tick optional.
  • Parents/friends/spouses of owner also duped into investing, they are going to loose their houses/children/pets/gun collection if restaurant fails.
  • Restaurant interior looks like a Dennys and a Waffle House had a baby restaurant with autism who’s favorite activity is to paint on the furniture, and serve drinks.
  • Butter and oil are the two cooking spices, bought in bulk and of the lowest quality. If that doesn’t solve it, cover it with cheese.
  • The entire fridge is filled with rotting food, no exceptions! Insects optional but encouraged.
  • The owner thinks everything is just fine; customers are just dumb and need to like cheese more.

Enter Gordon Ramsay and his team. He has a team yes, someone has to hold the camera while he screams. I really wish Hulu could play the un-censored version of this show. “Fuck” is Gordon’s favorite word. He is so enthusiastic about that word, just about as much as he is about fresh food that isn’t rotting. Here is a brief breakdown of what happens in each episode, broken down by the “day”. Apparently all it takes is one week to fix a broken restaurant if you have Gordon Ramsey at the helm and Fox networks paying people to dine with you.

  1. Gordon arrives, dines at restaurant, everything is shit. Gordon yells. Gordon leaves.
  2. Gordon comes back. Fox packs place with diners who are getting paid to eat there. Restaurant hasn’t had this many people in years. Restaurant fails. Gorden yells, possibly shutting down restaurant in the middle of service. Rotten food is found, all cheese is removed from building.
  3. A “special” is added to the menu. Fox packs restaurant again. Restaurant screws up special. Gorden screams. Waitstaff cries. Owner storms out.
  4. Gordon does life changing exercise with owner. Shows owner what fresh food looks like. Gordon’s team takes autistic child restaurant interior and replaces it with autistic child wearing cool kids cloths interior. Waitstaff crys again.
  5. Relaunch night. New menu. Things mostly go wrong. Gordon yells, but not as much as the show needs to end now. Sometimes Gordon hugs people. Waitstaff cries one more time. Gordon leaves and gives Christmas Carol-like warning of restaurant’s need to change before “it’s too late”.

So that’s what one episode is like. Now, every other episode is EXACTLY the same, so if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. Seriously, go watch two or three and figure it out for yourself if you don’t believe me. The only reason to watch more than one is if you like different kinds of the same shit going wrong and Gordon’s ever altering ways to use the word fuck at people. I happen to enjoy this, so I’ve seen most of seasons 1 and 2.

Actually, one bright spot in the sea of screaming profanities is the first episode of season 2, where we get to revisit all of the restaurants that are still alive after having been revived by Gordon and his team. Don’t watch this episode unless you want to see the soft exposed underbelly of the hard-ass that is chef Gordon Ramsay. In this episode, he’s the nicest guy ever! This leads me to believe that off camera he is sitting there with the cast going, “Look man, I’m sorry that I called you a fat mother-fucker on national TV, really the burnt cheese is actually MY favorite too.”

In conclusion, if you’re bored like me, and need to watch someone else take some shit for 40 minutes, “Kitchen Nightmares” is for you buddy!