So I’ve been sick for the last couple of days, which has left me bed, or should I say, couch-riden throughout the day. I mean I can only work on my model boat for so many hours in a day. Regardless, I have been scouring my favorite online media site, hulu.com, for a movie to watch and I came across something I haven’t seen in at least a couple of years, and never in its entirety. What was this movie friends, why, “Starship Troopers”!
First of all, if you have seen the movie, and haven’t read the book, read the book. I know people always say that, but it will really give you a greater respect for what a colossal fuck up job someone did converting that book into its feature film debut. So right now, stop reading this blog entry and go order the book (by Robert A. Heinlein) from Amazon.com. Its $8 and well worth it.
So we’ll get the “why the book is better than the movie” out of the way first. Diz, who is played by Dina Meyer in the movie, is a guy in the book and dies in the first 5 pages. Not that the redheaded female in the movie isn’t amazingly attractive and bad-girl bonable, but its fun to know that the character what basically invented for that very reason, as there is basically nothing that character is based on (more on her later). There is an entire race of people introduced in the book that’s not in the movie, which is almost a, “why the movie is better” as their inclusion in the book makes little sense. But seriously, the one thing they lost out on was the armor. My friend and I have had various back and forths on this. In the book the armor makes each mobile infantry solider a walking tank with a jet pack. They can scale buildings and have integrated computer infrastructure. What did the movie get? Nerf toys! They took the helmets from the football game in the first scene and painted them black. No wonder the bugs ripped them to pieces. Oh and does anyone else think that Halo’s Master Chief is basically using the same gun from this movie? Side note, the book also has an infantry division, the K-9 division in the book, with TALKING DOGS! Hollywood apparently does not think we are ready for talking dogs (except for Dani DeVito in “Look Who’s Talking Now” and about 7 Disney movies). Come-on, we could have handled it, and it would have been great! You and me pup, lets go kick some bug ass…
Ok, deep breath, that’s over with. Seriously, read the book, watch the movie again.
The movie is an amazing watch though, especially through the “I know this is going to be crap” glasses. The cast is actually pretty great for this one. Already formentioned, the amazing redhead. Added to that we’ve got Denise Richard, sneaking this movie in right before everyone’s favorite lesbian pool scene “Wild Things”. Her and the redhead would have made a better pool scene. There’s Doogy Houser (aka NPH), making one of his very rare appearances between childhood doctor and the new sing along blog everyone is freaking out about (including your’s truely). Michael Ironside, which he should have just used as his name in the movie, as a robotic armed leader named Rasczak. The star, Casper Van Dean, apparently has done many things since “Starship Troopers” says IMDB, none that I have seen.
As this is already getting to be sort of a long entry I’ll dive right into the highlights of this great film. First of all, since its a B sci fi movie, we’ve got to have some nudity. Its almost as if the director was saying, this is where I would start to lose interest, lets show a tit. That’s basically what it comes down to. They could have done a better job spreading it around though, you get all your boobies in one fail swoop in the boot camp shower seen. Don’t get me wrong, they were all faboulous sets of boobies (and thanks to Hulu, I could pause for each one), and male tooshies for the ladies (which I also paused for), but there were definitely points where I could have used a nipple later in this film. They almost try for one when there is a tent sex scene, but the directors also realized that this movie had to end in a decent amount of time, so we as the viewer are only left to wonder if Diz is a top or a bottom.
The second amazing thing in this movie, which I missed the first time, is when a flying bug is rectally violating a trooper with its giant pointy member thing. Rasczak picks up a gun, zooms in (where we are offered a better view of the bug-man anal rape scene), and shoots the guy, exclaiming, “And I expect you to do the same to me.” Classic! Since this is a B-movie, I’ll spoil it and let you know, someone does have to do the same to him, but we don’t get to see the violation that he is undergoing at the time (but you know its there).
Number three, Rico, the handsome but dumb star of our saga, is being pined over by two gorgious women throughout this movie. I’m pretty sure he gets to do both of them, although its only alluded to with Denise’s character. Conveniently, the night after fucking the crazier of the two (Diz, the redhead), she dies. Remember Diz from the book? He died too, so this is where the book and the movie sync up. Welcome to page 5. Doogy Houser does not get laid in this movie because his character is gay. I’m pretty sure that character was not in the book, I don’t know why he is here. Seriously. He is supposed to be the smartest of the bunch, but his dialog is just as bad.
I don’t even have time to go into all the awesome one liners that could be generated from viewing this film, so I’ll leave that up to you as homework. Although the book numbered only the single iteration, as film viewers we are blessed with Starship Troopers II & III. Amazon tells me that Casper Van Dien, the original Rico, is in the third one, so that seems promising. I always love it when they get the orginal B actors for the B movie sequel. These went straight to video (I hope), but you can buy the entire trilogy in Blue Ray! Oh happy day! If I had a TV, and a blue ray player, this would so be on my Christmas list.